i feel really used =/

i probally dont have a reason but i knew everything would add up to this. why did they not want me there?
and there trying to hide it from me. =/
but i know, it slipped 3 times when i was talking to her, its not just that there was a non-steph party that my mates threw its just kinda addind up. not getting invited places with them, then when i tryto invite them over or ask them to do somthing they have somthing else to do. all the time.

and the ignoring in school mostly, theres just new groups or somthing and i feel really looked down on, like they know everything and have done everything together.

"******* is me favourite"

and then the fact that the person who wrote that were ignoring me for agesss and ages then out of the blue a text from her saying "how was your christmas" and i was like. oh yey! thats odd, but she just wanted to ask about a newyears party on here and if she could go and bring her lad, then she was like kay gotta go.

that shouts lick arse to me, i just wanna know what i did for them to push me away so much.

and yhea no more party in my gaff just bringin a few people over, and if they get to pick and choose who to take then so do i.

No point in bringin people that dont even speak to me anyway...

as soon as i said it wasnt on she hasnt talked to me :L

I tried starting up convos andtexts and asking ppl to come out with me, i made an effort to keep our friendships going, so yhea, Not anymore if yous really wanna be my friend the way it was. i think you's will at leat give some sort of shit, you can read this and brush it off your shoulder if you want... :) doesnt bother me ither way. Coz i gave a shit.

You werent supposed to read that..

Yhea.

I didnt mean it... :(

i was just angry.

I love you. And i mean it [=

Im so glad we fixed this! :D Coz i have that lovely feeling in my tummy again!!!! gah! just wanted to say that.

mmm crimbo. Oh gosh lol its crazy here at home tonight everyone is being a moany cunt. mammy and daddy have been snapping at eachother all day witch is my fault i asked if i could get a burger and then it just turned into a row between them, and then when i said i'd get one myself, and i meant it in a nice way, they got mad at me!!

people fight over the stupidest things. haha a damn burger!

But yhea.

Gosh alcohol. I think ive had enough of that stuff... i think he has had enough of me having that stuff to hahaha. next weekend were just gonna sit here and play fallout and eat munch and watch movies instead of goin and getting hammerd.

btw. stay in college babs!! >< youl only feel that way for a week or two. I'm well over hating school now haha at least for a bit.

day of tomorrow kinda wanna go shopping get some nice clothes to make me feel fabulous this christmas! :)
and to get presents.

im such a weird colour, my hair i mean its yellow/ginger/bonde/brown.

No joke! haaa

but im gonna be plaitnum soon :)

mkai. bye! x

woll

i dont know what to do with myselft at the moment... =/



But i have to do somthing.

My Last Post..

Was pretty harse. I'm sorry! I was in a fucky shitty mood. And yhea.

But i still feel like i'm slipping away from everyone... I don't know.
I tried explaining how much i hate that goddamn place. They kinda i dont know... Just they didnt get it. Thay kinda looked at me with a wtf face... like i was stupid. But it's okay i'm used to feeling fucking stupid. They say that everyone thinks the same as i do and that i should get of my bum bum and do shit. witch i agree with...

But... A while ago when there was this thing she hated about her family... Her mam... just being around her i was there and i said "i get ya". She was always like no you dont you dont see half the shit thats going on... It's the exact same thing for me. I hate the place THAT MUCH. I dont feel "safe" there i don't feel solid there, i don't feel ANYTHING when i'm there. Nothing. And it's just one simple thing. Just somthing that everyone does and everyone goes to and there fine. WHY do i hate it this much? It's just there. It's just not my thing. Nor was it my brothers. Mam said he was the exact same as me He'd cry to stay home.


I just need somthing New.. i feel like everything needs to be new. I dont like where i'm going witch is no where... i dont want to go no where! "so steph why dont you go do somthing about it. Get of your ass" If you seen me with stuff i enjoy things that i love! I'm so diffrent. Like technical things. if theres somthing i want to do on a computer i wont stop untill i do it. Stupid ass example i know haha.

But i do. i need somthing new. to motivate me.

And they said why dont you go and do somthing about it get of yer bum! and as i soon as i said i was thinking of moving schools they were like wtf...? that wont do anything. Well... there ya go... Thats at least thinking of doing somthing about it... But why are they shooting it down? Its exactly what my sister did... she was in ardee a bum like me hhaha hated it. She moved schools and shes super now.


I just need some small part of my life to be new right now. I dont know why, But i love new!!! Somthing fresh.

And i think that moving is that somthing. i dont know why everyone thinks its a bad idea?? :(

Go fak yaselvs y0000

Today was shiiii yesterday was shiiiii. pahhhhhh.

idk im in lotsa trouble.Lots. thar was a call from school when i got home today. Someone will come to my house if this isnt sorted by next week. ]=
i really CBA with school tho. but now i have no choice.

an yesterday i was just so not in the fucking mood to practice! at all.

an its been very weirdd lately.... it kinda feels like no one really likes me anymore. well. kinda feels like people are finding me annoyin =/
lotsa close friends slipping away tbh. very very slowly but still its happinin. i dont think there arsed tbh. there not im not. simple. But everyone was annoyin me today. But they werent being annoying. i was just peed the fuck off and everything was so fucking irritating. sept my lovely smokes. haha.


i think this is the worst mood ive been in, in a while.

but seriously theres one thing thats really irritating...

the way the two of them are kinda pushin or somthin about the band. its like they have there own little thing... they think the same way about the band... but if i dont feel like practicing i dont think they should get angry or anytthing. what, waht? wanna drop the band coz i wasnt in the mood for practice. if thats the way it is the whole time facks zee band.

even though i love it.

but thats irritating.
sorry everything is irritating today.

even this blog. its made your eyes bleed?

Myy baddd.

meh

meh is all.

today was cool with nicky but meh.

i feel bad about not going to school. i dont wanna go tommorrow.

im so draind or somthing. Somthing just doesnt feel right.
:(

And i'm scared. Of god knows what,
i dont know.

i'm gonna go heat up my dinner...
getting my hair blonded soons. not like bleached like honeyish blonde and some brown. shiny blonde :)

had a fun weekend. And some awfull spicey curry haha! And a long awaited lift home in the back of a van! An a nice sleep.


I'm coldssss.
i got a game called the witcher today its fun! :) sept the controls are annoyin :( Pfffft.


but yea. bed would be great i am sleepy...

mm anyway bye hah.

x

Isnt it funny.

I actually do have something to write about haha.

Well yes I’m of school again coz I’m a lazy bum. Very lazy bum. When it comes to school of course. But with other things I enjoy it’s different I just wish they could see that. -_-

Anyways it’s funny, just a while ago my dreams and ambitions where far to big for this place but now… well I just don’t know. I think reality kind of slapped me in the face. If I cant get my ass out of bed to go to school then I defiantly cant do what I want to do. And its huge trust me.

Call me pessimistic. I am quite pessimistic these days. Hah. But I suppose id be happy just to stay here forever Dundalk, Dublin whatever not in tallanstown… its to… clean.

I’m quite happy scraping through the week being miserable thinking about school and go to school but its really not that bad! At all. I don’t know why I’m such a moany bitch about it haha. I guess it kind of makes me feel stupid and it feels like im being degraded. But yes anyway im quite happy being miserable in school during the week then going out on the weekends and getting shit faced =]

I LOVE WEEKENDS.

But yes I don’t expect to much of me in the future. Just average I may not want to be an “average” human being but that’s what I am doomed to. Haha. I make it sound like a terrible life. It’s not!

But yes. Dundalk tonight. Staying in Nicks [= my lovely sweetie nick. ]=

Its very very fucked up at the moment. Were broken up! But its just not right… I may only be 16... But I love him to bits.
And its been a while since I woke up and thought GOD I LOVE THAT BOY SO MUCH. That happened this morning… and I felt great [=

Since we broke up I used to hate waking up and thinking “oh… nick… Damn…”

What’s happening?



Speaking of dreams I had a few crazy ones the past week.

There was one and I predicted the future. I predicted the world coming to a crazy end. Citizens where going crazy and the whole world just collapsed not because of natural disasters or a meteorite or an alien invasion. Just because the world wasn’t working right haha. I cant explain it. And then I seen a train crash through my house.

Then when I stopped predicting mam started talking to me then I just knew something bad was going to happen and I grabbed her and pushed her just as a train came through the window. HHA this was all a dream remember lol. But then I ran upstairs and there was a train in my fucking house…. Dad wasn’t there. This bit actually scared the shit of me!!! We were looking for ages but we couldn’t find him ]= then he came crawling out of the train he was okay yey lol.
Then we hopped on an empty bus and started driving. Wonder were we were going?

IT WAS a crazy dream. I do have really odd dreams. Ugh to realistic for my liking.

Then I had a dream I was scuba diving with some fit lad… LOL. That sounds more like a dream the one above sounds like a tv show FFS.

But yhea. I was quite relived when I woke up but I was thinking “is the world gonna collapse? Will I have to save my family? Ahh” lmao.

My brain is weird. I don’t like it. If im In a weird mood going to bed I wont have pleasant dreams… well that’s what I think so I have to stay up and watch some funny tv or something then go to sleep. I’m a freak. Iv’e only done it lately.

This is a huge update.

Haha.

But anyways…

mmmm

GIG tomorrow :)

woot cant wait.

orderd new camera woot cant wait!

sleepy goin bed soon. woop cant wait.

Weeeeeeee

am bored.
an hungy

and wantin a smokey.



GLack to yih today nicky.

i'm sure you did great.

Sorry but you'l have to put up with my whining.

Yesterday was good. Today not so good. Back on the cancer sticks. URGH.

So I just opened my eyes to the reality of the situation I am in currently.

FUCK.

I’m seriously doubting things now, I don’t want to believe it but maybe they were right.

Maybe I am being used. I feel used… but ahhh. I don’t want to feel used. Hes not the type but I don’t know. I don’t know if I know. HA.

I think I should just say straight out “take me or leave me and stop dangling me on your stupid unbreakable string!” that’s what it feels like to be honest.

I really need to be slapped in the face really hard. Whyyyyyy would HE like ME. I’m just a silly 16 year old girl. But after all this, for some reason I feel even older than he is.
---

Manic winter had a very odd day. I was near the verge of tears we all thought the band was ending. There is actually so much stuff going on with the band at the moment. And were not enjoying it, And that was the point! We have so much fun playing live deffo, I LOVE that part but practice a million times a week in a freezing, wet basement with hair growing out of the walls (literally) gets kinda old. Especially since it’s the same thing every time.

But when were writing our own songs it feels a trillion times better! Making our own sound and when we find something that works really well its hard to wipe the smiles of our faces.

We may not be good enough to play our own stuff to people. But fuck it! We enjoy playing it and it was always about enjoyment for us.

Keep listening and give our originals a chance. Dance your feet of if you like it! And we’ll join you!

Models for god (new song only played once) feels like a step up for us. A proper step up! If your coming to any gigs were playing just listen out for it and let us know what you think! Peeeze! We don’t know what to expect hah.
-------

On the plus. Ordered a sony a100!!!! YUMMY CAMERA! Old model in the sony alpha range but still.. I cant wait to go clicky click with it hah.

Yadda yadda

Mmmm. I am loving life quite lots at the moment. Schools good! Even though ive missed so many English classes the teacher counts all the classes ive missed to the whole class. Haha

Bitch >=[

Speaking of bitches… I think I’ve sorted an actually nonexistent relation ship. Yenno just the odd hello or whatever or the odd evil look. Right that makes no sense. But, Well this girl, not a friend more of an acquaintance… I just did not know if she liked me or not! And the only reason it bothered me was because well she liked me one day then just didn’t. I’m really not the type of person to not get along with someone. I try my best to get along with people no matter what they have done.
Well if they do something to me then I have a reason but I still try to forgive and forget as much as possible. I think that’s one of the good characteristics I have embedded in my 5 foot something body. I’m surprised there’s room for more. Ha!

But yea. I think our acquaintance could possibly evolve into a friendship. I hope so. Because I generally like the girl.
I thought she was playing games with me when she started hanging of him… but no. she just get’s along
with him. Nothing to be jealous about!

--

And well. I had a fucking great weekend! Me and him sorted everything out. But I love the cunt! And I don’t care anymore. There’s still something there. We both know it.
We have both said it.

I actually love that boy more than I did now. We just had the greatest weekend since well. Ever. We laughed so hard and I just cant picture things without him.
It was to good to be true. I mean he made a mistake.. But so did I. so I forgave him again! And now its just. Ah. I don’t know.

I love him. LOTS.
I may only be 16 but I still have a heart and plenty of room in there for him.

Il est autre chose.


Never give up on someone you can't go a day without thinking about

First post! :)

Yup, i'm new! and i wanted somwere to post this song i just made.

=here it is

Whatya think!! ??

xox